dedicated to dani – part four

At the young tender age of three and a half, my girl had her first taste of bullying. Fortunately for her, that is an age where, thank God, she is still innocent to a five-year olds cruel jibes and taunts and has no idea what ‘fatty watty’ even means. Unfortunately for the girl’s mother, it just so happened to be MY daughter on the receiving end and, after ten minutes of listening to this little brat chanting ‘fatty watty,’ poking at my girls protruding gut, as well as waving and pointing a toy gun in her face, I snapped as politely as one person could possibly be expected to snap if witnessing their kid getting pushed around in a not-so-nice way.

“Hey, hey. Don’t you bloody do that. How would you like it if I poked you in the stomach and shoved a gun in your face you wouldn’t like that would you?”

The brat had the cheek to look crestfallen. I thought I had used a really nice tone, even if there was an underlying threat in there. I look at my baby who is giggling at the brat and also chanting ‘fatty watty, fatty watty’ in a sing-song way. Then out of the corner of my eye, I glance at the mum who is peering at both girls with what I can see is a tight smile on her face. I know I’ve offended her. My baby pranced back inside to her daddy while the brat sits in the corner, staring at me as if I am the wicked witch of the north.

Meanwhile, I attempt to brush away the awkwardness that has all of a sudden permeated the air by picking up where we left off from our conversation, but I know I’ve blown it. I’m aware that the woman sitting across from me, whom I have only known all of three weeks, is not happy that ive just told her daughter off. Not happy at all.

Honest to who.  I mean, what would you have done?

This was three months ago. I haven’t seen the mother since, and I’m not really surprised.  I guess it can now be stated as fact that my tendency to blurt out things that I should maybe not say, or at least learn to re-phrase, is one of the many reasons why I find it hard to keep friends. I still say I wasnt that harsh though. Or at least I don’t think I sounded as harsh as I felt. Additionally, it can also be stated that, lately, the FACT that I lose friends at a rapid rate when I do this hasn’t been bugging me as much as it use to. Which, I think, is a good thing

Anyway…moving on. Of course, when I say ‘brat’ I don’t mean that in a nasty, evil-ish kind of way, even though it sounds like it.  I love kids.  Let me just point that out. But there were two reasons why I told this girl off aside from the obvious fact that she was just being downright mean. One – no parent likes to watch their kids get picked on. If the shoe was on the other foot, I’m positive that mother would have done the same thing. Furthermore, if my daughter was teasing another kid in front of me, I would have told her off myself, as respect for others is something I hope to teach her, and teach her well. The other reason why this brats antics got up my ally is…well, a bit more personal…to be completely honest with you.

I’ve been a victim of bullying. Being overweight and tipping the scales at ninety something kg’s at the age of twelve, as well as wearing hearing aids, AS WELL as being fitted with braces in Intermediate through to third form, made me a juicy target for schoolyard bullies. When I put it in perspective, I guess watching my girl getting prodded and teased brought back memories. And feelings. And painful ones at that.

My girl – she has always been on the chubby side. She was the type of baby that strangers on the street ooh-ed and ahh-ed over because her multiple layers of rolls and balloon cheeks were impossible to resist. Fast forward to a few years later, and she’s still getting the oohs and ahhs as well as the occasional side-looks that clearly say “oh my god, what does her mother feed her??” Her fourth birthday is in December, two days before christmas, yet she constantly gets mistaken for a five-plus year old. Despite the fact that she’s still a toddler, I find myself shopping more in the Girls area in shopping stores, but if you ask my honest opinion, I think Australian clothes sizes are inaccurate anyway. Shopping here reminds me of when I would walk my size twelve self into an asian clothes store in New Zealand and feel like a giant because even just a fourteen was a tight squeeze. Plus australian kids are too skinny anyway. But maybe I’m just making excuses.

My next mission – getting my babies health on track…

It use to be cute, watching my baby get attention from strangers due to her overflowing chubbiness. Whats not so cute is listening to her breathing at night. Or watching her run (or attempt to run) after kids her own age. Previously, it made me giggle when watching her get her waddle on, but these days it’s about as funny as cancer. If there’s one thing I realised after witnessing my baby getting taunted, it’s that I don’t want her to go through what I did. Ever.

Its possible I am blowing this up into intergalactic proportions and over-reacting (what else is new?) Its been, what, some fifteen years since my school days? Yet this experience just brought it all back like it happened yesterday. It’s not the bullying itself that sticks out like a green bush in a brown hay-field. It’s the way it makes you feel for, like, yeeeeeears afterwards. Worthless. Hopeless. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Never going to amount to anything…and the list goes on.  As you get older, you don’t realise that bullying is a major contributor to self-doubt – the same self-doubt that has followed you  throughout your life like a faithful lap dog. Sure, I put on a show of being untouchable. Sure I chose to rise above it and keep on keeping on, because that s what the experience taught me to do. But the pain, the anger and the resentment was always there, throbbing away underneath it all.  It took fifteen long arse years for the rawness of that wound to heal, but at least it got better. At least I overcame it.  Some people never do.

In a way, I’m grateful to my bullies from days gone past. Not just at school, but within my home life as well. The lesson I learnt here is this – that it’s the bad experiences that shape you into either two moulds. One, a bitter person. Or two, a better person, and I believe that this is what I am no matter what any tom, dick or harry may think. So I may not be on this brats mothers favourite people’s list anymore? Shes hardly the first one I’ve pissed off because I’ve my tendency to be blunt. I’m probably on alot of lists of ‘Most Unfavourite People’ and right at the top too. On the other hand, maybe I do need to learn to zip my mouth in the heat of the moment. But the important thing is I know I mean well, even if that is hardly ever obvious. I know my heart is in the right place. I know my intentions are pure. And I like to think that’s all that matters?

I’m proud of the head-strong and determined woman that I am today. Some things I never learn.  Other things I’m still trying.  But this lesson I learnt very well – that even though life can be utterly beautiful, it can also be a downright bitch.  And its the bitch times that make you stronger.  Still, despite all this, the whole point is I would not wish any of what I’ve been through on anyone, least of all my daughter. I’m probably being overly serious and possibly paranoid about something as trivial as some little girl poking my babies gut with a toy gun, trying to ‘pop her.’  But I can’t help it. Like most parents, I want my girl to lead a sweet charmed life, but that’s just not the way the world works.  Times like this I  just want to wrap her, tight and snug, in a cocoon and keep her out of harms way for all eternity.


But I know I cant do that. I may not be able to protect my girl forever. And I may be looking a bit too far into the future here.  But if there is one thing I hope to install in my daughter, it would be to have supreme and utmost confidence in herself so she can stand tall and proud in a world that isn’t always so kind. And isn’t that what we all want for our children???

Correct me if I’m wrong on that one.

In the meantime though, I think a lifestyle overhaul is in order for her. Because, after all this banging on, the truth is…yes, she is a fair bit overweight.  So the brat had a point. Too much noodles and not enough physical activity.  If I could chuck her on Herbalife I would, but I think I’ll chuck her on some kind of physical regime instead.  I’m getting onto her health now.  Honestly, its hightime I did something about it anyway.

gone blank



From what I’ve seen in movies and read in books, its usually a powerful, moving, unforgettable or defining moment in your life, like a near-death experience, that motivates you to wake up and smell the coffee and make the most of your life before you cark it. So I’m not entirely sure a screaming match with my man (which could have ended in a boxing match) counts as a ‘defining moment, seeing this has only taken place like a zillion times.

Guy gets drunk, and suddenly the ‘feelings’ come out. Starts ranting about how much I don’t ‘respect’ him , and tells me, yet again, to fuck off. Girl reacts by throwing butter at his head, which conveniently misses its target and ends up splattered all over the wall. Guy picks up whats left over of the butter and flings it back at girl, and what do you know, girl gets remaining butter splattered all over arm. Guy wakes up the next morning, apologetic, sorry, remorseful – and says the words that girl has heard about, oh, only a thousand times – ‘i didn’t mean it.’ Girl doesn’t talk to him, and three days later, guy is probably beginning to feel like casper the ghost.

Edited PG version of the events, by the way. Girl still can’t believe that, after all these years, she is still putting up with this shit. She just can’t seem to leave this fella alone, even though its pretty obvious to kingdom come and beyond that the dude brings out the worst in her. And that it is never going to change.

 “Girl still can’t believe that, after all these years, she is still putting up with this shit. She just can’t seem to leave this fella alone, even though its pretty obvious to kingdom come and beyond that the dude brings out the worst in her.”

Yes I’m talking about us – again. The other morning, still hurting from the nasty words that spill from the mans mouth after hes gotta few in him, I caught myself in the the mirror as I was getting dressed for work, and automatically started singing the tin man’s song – ‘if I only had a braaaaain.’ Because for real life, where is my brain at?? Why do I believe after thirteen long years that this will ‘never happen again?’ Why do I get lulled back into a false sense of security, only to be let down yet again. Darks aint a bad guy. Let me just state that as fact. Hes an awesome dad and a good provider. But like every other tom dick and harry, and contrary to what others believe, he DOES have a bad side. And that bad side coaxes the evil out of me easily…too easily!

I don’t like the person I become when I’m angry. Shes bad-ass, and not in a good way. And I’m not just talking about throwing butter either. Ever seen a butterfly??? Ahahaha. But seriously, I’m talking about words. Once you throw those out, they can never be taken back, and karma has probably got something in store for me in that regard. Words have always had the potential to hurt me worse than a punch to the dome. But even worse is my mouth because, when it gets going, it can be just as bad as a punch to the dome too. At times I think its a miracle that me and Darks are still together after all the nasty shit that we have said to each other. But I guess thats just how relationships roll.

 “Deep down in my heart of hearts, I already knew, and probably have known for a long time – that there was nothing to talk about. There was nothing that we would have said or discussed or compromised that we hadn’t of already said, discussed or compromised a thousand times before.”

Following these bust ups, I become the ultimate evil personified.  I purposely become nit-picky, snarky, bitchy, and downright difficult because that has always been my way of punishing Darks after he goes off on a drunken rant.  But it was different this time.  Three days passed and even though you could have sworn it was just me and baby in the house, and Darks really was Casper the ghost, I just…well, simply put, I just didn’t care.  On the third day, I found I’d gone totally blank. I approached Dark when he got home from work the other day and was all ‘how was your day’ as if I didn’t throw butter at his head or treated him as if he didn’t exist for three whole days in a row. He responded with a ‘good, mubs, how was yours and babies day?’ and that was that. Over with. Life carried on as per usual. I was waiting for the ‘we should talk about this’ topic to come up…but it didnt. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I already knew, and probably have known for a long time – that there was nothing to talk about. There was nothing that we would have said or discussed or compromised that we hadn’t of already said, discussed or compromised a thousand times before. It would have been like playing a scratched record. I felt so blank it was weird. Not entirely sure whats up with that?

Its like I’m not worried about fixing us anymore, and if that ain’t a defining moment, I dunno what it is.

Gone blank. Completely blank. Honest…there’s just….nothing…???

All in my head? I think so…


meditate Apparently, emotions are, amongst other things, a by-product of all that goes on in your head. They are also, to put it bluntly, one of my biggest downfalls. When I look back on my life, I realize that mostly all of the dumbest and worst mistakes that I ever made were made primarily from an emotional point of view.  Even now, I still tend to make decisions based on emotion rather than logic, hence the reason I find myself in boiling water more often than not. I have not always been aware of this.  I guess this is just how God made me.  And although right now it tends to be a weakness, in time, I hope to turn it into a tower of strength.  Converting all that intense emotional energy into a positive force to be reckoned with is what I plan on doing.  Somehow.

Meditation.  There’s something about this that has me greatly pondering if I have finally found something well worth…

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addicted to feeling good – my herbalife obsession

I am thrilled to announce that I have a new obsession. Fortunately for me, it is a rather…good obsession. Which is a relief as Lord knows I have had more than my fair share of weird and random addictions. Unlike my other past times,though, this one is proving to be more beneficial than destructive, especially physically. After my daughter, Herbalife is fast becoming the new love of my life.

I never thought I’d see myself fully immersed in the Herbalife way of life. I was first introduced to it in 2013. At the time, I was living with my brother and his two kids all the way out in the desert in the mining town of Newman. I’d just arrived in Australia. My brother hooked me with a job as a Bar Person down at the local pub (or the kiwi club) and it is here where I first caught a glimpse of my boss skulling back something gooey in a Herbalife-labelled cup.

Of course I’ve always been interested in all things health related. Always have been and probably always will be. My boss would occassionally mention this and that about Herbalife, that the products were amazing, that there was a business opportunity involved and etc. To be completely honest, it put me on my guard and, being a naturally suspicious person, I decided to do my homework on it. I jumped on Google, typed in Herbalife, and was immediately confronted with hits about how it was a scam and a pyramid scheme. I read story after story after story regarding the downsides of the business, the pushiness of the distributors, the pressure to recruit, the financial loss involved and so forth. Apparently, to this day, there is even a billion dollar campaign going on to bring the company down. Last I heard though, the promise to provide evidence that the company was illegal fell flat.

There were red flags everywhere. Because my boss and her husband were so good to me, I felt I owed it to them to mention it, as they were good people and I didn’t like the fact that they could be taken advantage of. They laughed it off though. Time passed, I moved to Perth, but kept in touch with them through Facebook. Despite my objections, they would still encourage me to jump on the Herbalife band wagon.

Fast forward to now – and jump on the Herbalife band wagon is exactly what I did. My former boss was happy to guide me into the process. I remember day I took the plunge. I jumped in without hesitation after I heard down the grapevine that there were Fit Clubs being run all over Perth under the Herbalife Sports brand 24. That was like the green light for me. Not only could I get in tip top shape, as research had proved that there was no doubt that the products worked, but maybe I could get back into my other passion too – instructing and dance? Five month later, and instructing and dancing is exactly what I am doing.

But most of all, I am having fun doing it.

I can definitely say that joining Herbalife is probably one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. Despite my reservations about the company at the start, the gut feeling was always there, telling me that there was something to this – and all I had to do was find out what it was. I have no doubt that bad experiences have been had within this business. But from what I’ve seen, it all comes down to three things. Your approach to it. Your mindset. And the people who take you under their wing. Especially the people who take you under their wing. I’ve been very fortunate to have a supportive team behind me who have the same mentality as I do – that it is not all about the money. That it is not all about striving for the perfect bod. For us, it is all about helping others feel good about themselves. That is our simple desire. Making money, losing weight or gaining weight is but a small percentage of it.

Its been a mere five months now, and I have never looked back.

As I said, it is now my new obsession. It has taken over my kitchen, my fridge and has seeped into every pore of my life. I take my Herbs with me everywhere. Bad eating habits have been replaced with good ones. I no longer drink fizzies, don’t eat bread, takeaways, complex carbs, or high-starch foods. Whats more, I don’t even miss or crave them a anymore. Herbalife fuels and fills me exactly the way I need to be fueled and filled. It gives me enough energy to go bouncing off the walls. After years and years of feeling like crap, my body feels like its functioning exactly as it should be. After years of the hermit, loner lifestyle, I am finally coming out of my shell and getting out there and meeting people who have also jumped on the Herbie band wagon. After years of mediocre fitness levels, I am actually running again. Seriously…the list goes on and on!

As for that bikini bod…that isn’t too far off the horizon either!

Herbalife has helped me achieve what I’ve been trying to do for years – which is go completely clean on my lifestyle

Anyway, so what is Herbalife?  Herbalife is many things. Any newcomer looking in from the outside can only see so much. To the newbie, it is a merely another weight loss thing. The truth is, it is so much more than that. It is no quick fix to a weight problem. It is no cure. And it most definitely is NOT a diet. It is, first and foremost, a LIFESTYLE. There are products designed to meet certain, specific targets, and yes, these products can be pricey. One of the first things that scare off potential customers is the price tag. It certainly scared me off in the start.

In my opinion, and just speaking from experience, it all comes down to how badly you want to feel at your best. It all depends on how much you want to change your life. It all depends on how much your willing to pay for optimum health. And it all depends on the sacrifices you are willing to make. Basically put, I was at the stage where I wanted change – and wanted it badly. So once I threw out the cigarettes, the alcohol, the bread, the butter, the fizzy drinks, the regular takeaways and the unhealthy lifestyle that was putting a dent in my wallet anyway, I found the transition to be not all that much of a financial hinderance after all. The major difference between my previous lifestyle and the Herbalife one is that I am paying pretty much the same amount of money, maybe a little bit more – but I am gaining so much more for it. I am gaining self-confidence. I am gaining optimum health. I am cleaning myself from the inside out, and it is showing on the outside. I am gaining knowledge and insight, and my eyes are opened now, more than ever, to the significant role that society plays in the obesity epidemic that is gripping our nation. In other words, I am getting my money’s worth. Which is another story for another day.

To sum it up – Herbalife, in my opinion, is a lifestyle that has the potential to change lives for the better, not just health wise, but mentally, physically, and maybe even spiritually – if only people could open their minds to it. It is on the map in just about every country in the world. There are millions of distributors helping to spread the word, and millions of people with their own personal success stories to tell. I have seen, with my own eyes, amazing physical transformations. I have sat down with people who have shared stories about how Herbalife got them out of a rut, and into a more positive way of living. I have seen people who have made a fortune out of the business opportunity available through Herbalife, doing something as simple as helping others and spreading the word. I have seen the perks involved, and the generosity of headquarters when it comes to rewarding its people. A weight loss thing? Yeah, sure it is all that. The trick to losing weight is so simple its almost laughable. But it goes way beyond that. The opportunities within the Herbie Family are fantastically unlimited. I kid you not. Everything I have mentioned above, it is happening around me like right now. And I say around me rather than to me, because nothing in the way of AMAZING has actually happened to me just yet. I’m not applying myself to the business side of things as much as I should!

But thats about to change. Lets just say that I have always had my ambitions within the Herbalife business, but am only just starting to take the steps towards it now. I still have my Herbie list too, which I scribbled down way back in June:

1 – lose weight

2 – make herbalife your lifestyle

3 – become a zumba fit instructor

4 – begin preparing to step into the business world

5 – market yourself as a distributor

6 – start working for yourself from home, build your own business helping other people help themselves.

I’m up to number 4 now. This is going to be the hard part, I think. But as long as I stay true to my course, keep my heart, ears and eyes open, and persevere – I think I’ll be fine. Why? Because I can see myself in this for the long haul.  The bigger picture is more than just looking good.  It is self-acceptance.  It is loving yourself, no matter what size you are. It is taking care of your body so that it can turn around and start taking care of you.

With Herbalife, its less about the outside and more about the inside…looking good is merely a bonus

The next journey is all about helping others. People need to hear about this. Not only that, they need to jump onboard – seriously. I’m not one for dictating to others how they should live their lives – but for this cause I will take the staunch stance, even if people don’t like it – because I totally believe in it.

I believe in it one hundred and ten percent.

Yip. I am addicted to Herbalife. I’m addicted to the ‘feeling good’ buzz because its a pure, clean, wholesome kind of feeling good. I love it, man. I find I have so much energy I can practically swing off the monkey bars with my girl, run a muck around the park with her, and still have energy to burn. Its amazing. And if I can get other people addicted to this too, then that will make me even happier, knowing that I’ve set someone else on the path to happiness’ Yeah man. This is my new lifestyle now.  My new addiction. My new obsession – and its one I am extremely proud to broadcast to the world.

Black or Yellow – which colour???

I’m not sure what it is about this year, but I seem to be becoming bluntly aware of so many things I was never aware of before. Maybe its normal at my age, you know. Maybe thirty three is an age where lights go off in your head more often than not, and you see the picture clearly, and the only thing you have to do is decide how you want to paint that picture? More colour? Less colour? Techno lights, or morbid greys and blacks? Is there a right way to paint it, and is there a wrong way? And what if you want to just leave it blank? What if you don’t give a shit about painting it, full stop? What if the earth is flat, and the moon is a large chunk of cheese?

Sorry I’m rambling. But in earnest, I believe I am making a semblance of sense too, even if I’m making sense to just myself.

Its amazing, how you can turn things around and change your entire life in just under a year. The picture for me started out as blank – or rather, a mix of rainbow colours, smudged in blinding confusion. Confusion. Lack of direction. Lack of discipline. Lack of a life. This was me, just a mere six months ago. I had no idea what I wanted to do. No, actually, when I think about it, i knew exactly what I wanted to do, but just had no idea how to go about doing it.

And now here I am – employed and living the life I have always wanted to live. Part-time kitchen hand. Part-time fitness instructor. Herbalife Distributor, and slowly…slowly working my way towards becoming established in my career within the Health and Fitness Industry. I aint super rich, or anywhere near as successful as I want to be, but I can say I’m definitely on my way. I have goals. I have sky-high ambitions. But then I have always had these things, and am only now just working towards making these things a reality.

Pretty ironic, too, how I have managed to reach a size twelve without even trying. Two more months, and me and my girl should be fit for bikini’s this summer. But as if I’ll ever have the courage to wear one. Healthier? Check. Happier? Shit yeah. My lifestyle has undergone dramatic change for the better. And if only I could say the same thing about my mind.

If only…

The pattern of my life has emerged, and its not a shock, although I must say its thrown me into a bit of a tizz. Actually its annoying. Its annoying because I have noticed that, when things are going well, and I’m on track and thriving, the foreboding darkness that lies dormant in the dark corners of my brain wants to suddenly come out to play. The pull towards the unknown, towards temptation and towards the dark becomes so strong sometimes that I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. I have been this way all my life. I have given in to some pretty demonic urges. I don’t know why I am like this. I really don’t.

And its happening again. For all my determination to control my mind rather than let it control me, I once again find myself fighting with the fucking thing in an effort to stay on the right track. I try so hard, man. I keep my thoughts positive and shining. I’m on top of my game. My bank account looks good, my family life is stable and solid, my health is thriving and life in general has been good to me.

Life is a million times better than what it was half a year ago, and I give thanks everyday to the Lord for giving me the strength, the will and the ability to pull myself up and out of the dark when I really have to. Yet I am again feeling the strongest need to go back into the blackness. What is up with that? Time is ticking loudly, and my need to pursue a forbidden obsession is just about consuming me. Why is it that I can’t see the wrong in it? Why cant I see the logic? Why can’t I see the picture clearly in this one? Why is it that I feel more safe operating in the dark than in the light?

Am I the only one like this?

Seek and ye shall find.

I have people who rely on me now, yet I am so scared of making one wrong move and fucking it all up. There is something wrong with the way I think. Something very wrong, that much I am aware of. Colour life yellow – thats what we all want to do, right? Well how the fuck are we suppose to do that, living in this world?? I need salvation. I need answers. I need Jesus. If I want to even attempt to paint my life in any other color besides black… I need something…


Sorry. Having a moment. Hopefully, a moment is all it is…

once upon a time…

Once upon a time…you were everything.

I would have swum the ocean for you…even though you wouldn’t even jump puddles for me.

I shunned and hid the real me for an entire thirteen years…for you… to make you happy.

I stood up to anybody who maligned you…and yet, never do I recall you doing the same?

I was completely in…mind, body, soul…one hundred percent…

And all this time, I thought you were too.

So why is it that I feel like I was nothing?

Why do I still feel that now?

Where did it all go wrong?

Once upon a time…you were everything to me.

And now…you are nothing.

You are non-existent. Dead. Obliterated.

You have no idea, what you have done.

No idea.

I am angry, yet relieved.

I am furious, yet resigned.

And my fairy tale ending that I was counting on…now remains elusive.

My orderly world, chaotic.

Once upon a time…you were everything to me.

Making it as a couple held supreme importance.

Through thick, thin.  Good and bad.

You were my life fuel, my anchor.

And now it is over…over…

Once upon a time… I would have died for you.

Yet would you have done the same for me?

When the chips were down, I wanted a hundred percent LOYALTY…nothing less.

Because I gave the same, didn’t I?

I may not have been faithful.

I may not have been perfect.

I may have been too stubborn for my own good.

But I was always a hundred percent in…always.

Once upon a time, I would have taken the blame.

For you.  For us.  For our downfall.

Society would have done the same.

But now I know better.

Now I am wiser.

I was always a hundred percent in

You were in fifty.

There it is…right there.

This may not be your definition of why we fell apart…

But it is mine…

It is fully mine…

To me…and in the end, not giving it as good as you got

…like how I did…that was the ultimate…

The ultimate act of betrayal.


I had four hours sleep last night. Maybe that could be a reason why I’ve had the kind of day that i’ve had. But then again, it could be that I’ve just straight decided to go cold turkey on a variety of things that my body has been accustomed to since forever, and this is its way of dealing with the shock. Two weeks and there’s been no bread. No complex sugars except fruit and a few teaspoons in my coffee each day. Fruits, eggs, raisins, porridge, rice, vegetables and HERBALIFE are my main sources of nutrition now. No more rubbish takeaways, chocolates, lollies, chips and my main source of meats are ONLY chicken and fish. Water is now my best friend. And on top of that, this is my second week without a puff – yes, even nicotine is well and truly on its way out…again.

Its a total overthrow of my lifestyle as I’ve always known it – and I would not recommend going cold turkey on so many things at once to anyone. Unless you have a thick skin, and your belief in yourself is grand and almighty, be careful. It takes time to give up something your body is so very accustomed to.

But whatever. In spite of my newfound zest for living, I’m going to allow myself a rant because we are all entitled to bad days, right?. My life is going up and down at the same time and it is taking alot to keep my head above water when I really just want to sink!  This is actually the biggest down day I’ve had since I made the choice to springclean my life of all things doing me absolutely no favours in the health department. As I said, it must be the ‘shock’ of suddenly going without that has my emotions rocketing into the sky and beyond. Kind of like when a coke addict hasn’t had a hit for days and starts going loopy. Well…thats whats happening to me right now. And though my health is thriving and it is becoming clearer by the day what direction I want to go concerning my career… my relationship with my man, and even with some of my family members is hitting the skids. Or the fan. Or the rocks.

Or all three.

If I was to pinpoint the cause of my bad day, they would fall into the following – lack of bread, lack of nicotine, lack of sugar….and heartbreak. To be honest, I dont know which is worse…

I knew the end was nigh. With my relationship, that is.  Gosh, why can’t I just wash my hands of it once and for all?????? I readily accepted it when it happened, and now I’m doing a u-turn.  Today, its been hitting home hard for some irritating reason. I’m crying over spilled milk, bursting into tears over every gruff word, and every sarcastic remark is cutting deep. My ugly side has been out today more than once, which makes things worse. This is how I cover up hurt – something HE should know but rarely fails to just get. Like hello? Did you know the reason we are bitches is because you make us this way? I mean, is this really not obvious to you? I wonder why after ten plus years he could never see through this, just like how I see through his asshole tendencies for what they really are – defense mechanisms because he is as insecure as the next guy? I’m wondering things along the lines of ‘did he ever love me?’ ‘Will he even miss me when I’m gone?’ But most importantly, ‘will I ever, ever let myself be this god damn vulnerable in a relationship ever again?’

Well…for what its worth, I’m pretty sure I’m wasting my time even thinking about it. Or grieving. I’m trying so hard to be mature about this. I dont want to pass blame. I know that, at the end of the day, shit happens and if its not working out then its not working out. But…gosh, it hurts. It hurts like a jab, cross and uppercut to the heart in repetitive sequences. My mind, my heart and soul they are all whispering the exact same thing, telling me that its time now…time to finally, finally let go of something that is way past its expiry date.


Time to look forward now, not back. Time to go forth.  Just get up, get up, get the FUCK up, get out there, and grab with two steady hands all that awaits ahead!!!

Seven Benefits of Meditation


Meditation is a great way to relax.  Monks, yogis and health professionals have been passing on this piece of advice for centuries.  Relax the mind, relax the muscles, and witness your worries vanish into thin air!

But comprehensive study has also proven that regular meditation is more than just a way to relax.  Apparently, it also helps the body and mind fight against all sorts of ailments, diseases and disorders.  Here’s what the professionals over at Food Matters had to say…

1. Mediation increases immunity

Relaxation appears to boost immunity in recovering cancer patients. A study at the Ohio State University found that progressive muscular relaxation, when practised daily, reduced the risk of breast cancer recurrence. In another study at Ohio State, a month of relaxation exercises boosted natural killer cells in the elderly, giving them a greater resistance to tumours and to viruses.

2. Meditation balances out the emotions

Emotional balance, means to be free of all the neurotic behavior that results from the existence of a tortured and traumatized ego. This is very hard to achieve fully, but meditation certainly is the way to cure such neurosis and unhealthy emotional states. As one’s consciousness is cleansed of emotionally soaked memories, not only does great freedom abound, but also great balance. As one’s responses then are not colored by the burdens one carries, but are instead true, direct and appropriate

3. Meditation increases fertility

A study at the University of Western Australia found that women are more likely to conceive during periods when they are relaxed rather than stressed. A study at Trakya University, in Turkey, also found that stress reduces sperm count and motility, suggesting relaxation may also boost male fertility.

4. Meditation relieves irritable bowel syndrome

When patients suffering from irritable bowel syndrome began practising a relaxation meditation twice daily, their symptoms of bloating, diarrhoea and constipation improved significantly. The meditation was so effective the researchers at the State University of New York recommended it as an effective treatment.

5. Meditation lowers blood pressure

A study at Harvard Medical School found that meditation lowered blood pressure by making the body less responsive to stress hormones, in a similar way to blood pressure-lowering medication. Meanwhile a British Medical Journal report found that patients trained how to relax had significantly lower blood pressure.

6. Meditation prevents inflammation

Stress leads to inflammation, a state linked to heart disease, arthritis, asthma and skin conditions such as psoriasis, say researchers at Emory University in the US. Relaxation can help prevent and treat such symptoms by switching off the stress response. In this way, one study at McGill University in Canada found that meditation clinically improved the symptoms of psoriasis.

7. Meditation helps maintain peace and calm

The simple difference between those who meditate and those who do not, is that for a meditative mind the thought occurs but is witnessed, while for an ordinary mind, the thought occurs and is the boss. So in both minds, an upsetting thought can occur, but for those who meditate it is just another thought, which is seen as such and is allowed to blossom and die, while in the ordinary mind the thought instigates a storm which rages on and on.

Beautiful.  All you need is half an hour a day.  All it takes to see improvement is consistency.  So go on, give it a go.  You might be surprised at just how much of a positive impact it has on your life.

when its time to let go…

Okay…so the go cold turkey on the smoking didnt quite work out this round. I managed to last two days before my emotions blew out of control and I caved in, begging Darks to buy me a packet. I was juuuuust about there too. If I had hung in there one more day, that ‘its the end of the world’ mind frame that I find myself in when I havent had a hit of nicotine would have passed. The shakes would have subsided. The urge to kill Darks for no reason other than being himself would have lessened. Pfffft…and I thought I had some semblance of control over my mind. In the nicotine area, my control sucks. The first three days are the hardest, no shit. But…I’m working on it. As I do.

But even though I havent managed to end the nicotine spree just yet, something else has come to an end. And not quite abruptly, if I might add. When the reality hit, it never really came as a surprise to me and, if I were to hazard a guess, I don’t think it will come as a surprise to anyone really. Least of all me and Darks.

Me and Darks. Chalk and cheese. Night and Day. He the logical, me the emotional. He the popular, me the loner. He the responsible and open, me the reckless and secretive. He all cold and detached on the inside, and me forever burning with emotions that, right up until this day, he has never been able to fully comprehend. They say opposites attract, and that’s us – thats always been us. Even after some ten plus years, nothings changed. Only difference is we have alot more calmer way of dealing with situations now. No more scrapping it out, no more screaming and shouting and throwing things at each other. No more running off for days on end, or at least on my part. Old age and maturity I think. In that way, me and Darks have grown so much. But the core issues are still there. Always have been, and if I stay, they always will be.

In a way, I think Dark is going to be very relieved when he realizes that I am summoning up every ounce of courage I can muster to finally let him go. Even though this isn’t exactly out of the blue, as we’ve been talking about it for a year, I still sense that he’s going to be hurt. But I also sense that hes going to be ok. As for me…well, there are times when I feel I’ll be just fine. Then there are times like now, where I feel lost and uncertan and harbour this gigantic fear of being without the one person I could always rely on to be there for me when life got dicey. I’ll be surprised if loosening my hold over this relationship for good doesn’t kill me. Its been pretty much the only constant thing in my life, and the only semblance of stability I have, even if I do spend countless of hours each day trying to understand where hes coming from, where I’m coming from, and wondering how the hell we’re supposed to find the middle ground amongst it all.

Twelve years of doing that…and I just cant do it anymore. I’ve exhausted all my efforts and have finally thrown in the towel. I have nothing more to give. I cant keep fighting it, or denying the obvious, nor can I make this relationship into something that it is not. And I can’t hush that inner voice anymore, the one that has always blasted me with that truth over the years despite my stubborn refusal to hear it. Even if I did cover my ears and refuse to listen to it then, I’m listening to it now. And its slowly but surely beginning to sink right in.

Its never easy for me to let go of something that means so much to me. Thats always been me. I’ve been clinging onto Darks like hes my life raft – my anchor – the only one that can keep me from drowning. The people I consider close to me – my friends and my family – they only know me to a certain extent. They know only what I choose to let them see. Darks – he knows all of me. He knows me in all my uncensored glory. He can see what lies beneath the many different layers, and can read through the many veils of pretense that I can drape over myself on any given day. Pretty ironic, how I let the walls come down for him, and pretty much gave him the key to my heart and everything that lay within. And hes the only one I’ve ever really let in, truly and completely. Yet he still doesn’t seem to understand me. But I understand him. I understand his needs and his wants, and feel like I’ve supported him accordingly. And with each day that goes by, I’m coming to understand about him the most important aspect of all. That he is never going to change. And neither am I.

I think a big part of why I’m scared to let him go has more to do with me than him. Actually, when I think about it, its probably the absolute reason. I have a hard time accepting the real me sometimes. At times, I confuse even myself. I have days where I question and doubt myself so much that it drives me crazy. And because I spend so much time on that wavelength, I naturally presume that others are thinking along the same lines. But I’m learning to get over it. As for Darks, he may have never understood me. Nevertheless, I always felt like he accepted me – exactly as I was. I fear of never experiencing that acceptance again. But I’m working on learning to accept myself, which, I think, is going to be the hardest – yet most profound lesson of all.

But the pain…oh…like razor blades slicing away at my heart. It aches yet now knows that what I want can never be. But…I’m determined to get through it, because getting ‘through it’ is something I’m good at doing, so I take a bit of comfort in that. I think I’ll always love this guy. And if I could write a list about the things I’ve learnt from him, that list would be a page long. Being with him has not only been an honour and a privilege, but it has also been the greatest learning experience of my life. Though we are currently under the same roof, the gap between us is already beginning to widen, so its now only a matter of time. Despite the heaviness in my heart, and despite the turmoil going on inside my head, I know I have to fade out of his life somehow, and see it through to its inevitable conclusion. He will be ok. And, I think, so will I.

All in my head? I think so…

meditate Apparently, emotions are, amongst other things, a by-product of all that goes on in your head. They are also, to put it bluntly, one of my biggest downfalls. When I look back on my life, I realize that mostly all of the dumbest and worst mistakes that I ever made were made primarily from an emotional point of view.  Even now, I still tend to make decisions based on emotion rather than logic, hence the reason I find myself in boiling water more often than not. I have not always been aware of this.  I guess this is just how God made me.  And although right now it tends to be a weakness, in time, I hope to turn it into a tower of strength.  Converting all that intense emotional energy into a positive force to be reckoned with is what I plan on doing.  Somehow.

Meditation.  There’s something about this that has me greatly pondering if I have finally found something well worth pursuing. If you are highly strung like me and have a tendency to live life on an emotional bandwagon, then seriously… try meditation. It’s been a month and a half since I’ve been practicing it, and already I can sense an awakening going on.

Initially, I thought it was going to be easy. How difficult can it be to sit in silence for one hour, think shining, positive thoughts and give thanks to the universe and God for all that I have? Piece of cake, right? Actually…no. Sitting down for an hour in silence is the simple part. Going inward, calming the inner tempests and attempting to hush the never ending noise within – different story altogether. And doing it every single day takes some diligence, too.

I make an effort to practice it every single morning. Previously, I was rolling out of bed at nine-ish, smoking ten cigarettes before lunchtime, and spending the day procrastinating and wondering how to get myself through the days that stretched ahead of me like a long cavernous yawn. Now, as soon as my eyes opens, I… …

…WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN.  As soon as my mind is conscious enough, I say to myself that, no matter what went on yesterday, today is a BRAND NEW DAY!

…make me a coffee/green tea, wrap myself in my mink blanket, go sit out in the fresh crsisp air and make myself comfortable on the outdoor couch …relax the muscles. Concentrate on breathing. Attempt to clear the mind of all noise, voices, events, memories and anything negative.  Think its easy?  Prove me wrong.

…GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THAT I HAVE. Feel that thankfulness down to the tips of my toes…ATTEMPT to stay in this blissful state of mind for at least an hour mind1 I’m no pro at it, but its getting easier. As I keep stating, there is something that must be said for meditation. The connection between the emotions and the mind is more profound that I imagined. I find myself having a hell of alot more calmer days when I start my day off like this, and if I somehow ‘forget’ to do it, the difference is obvious, even if its just obvious to myself. The bigger picture, about life and about what I must do in order to reach a more fulfilling state of mind, is becoming crystal clear. And so it should.  Because when you’ve managed to reach that lenient state of mind, there are no thoughts, no voices and no emotions clouding the reality. The inner waters that have thrashed about inside of me for as long as I can remember I am finally managing to bring under control. The negative self-talk within gets quieter. When it speaks, I’m actually fully aware of it and can now make an effort to stop it dead in its tracks. And the more I practice it, the more my perception – about the world, about the people around me and about myself – begins to shift.

‘…sitting down in silence for an hour is the easy part. Going inward, calming the inner tempsts and attempting to hush the neverending noise within, a different story altogether…’

If you ask me ‘so what’s this got to do with springcleaning my life?’ the answer is obvious – it has everything to do with it. It is the springclean and cleansing of a mind fogged up with so much baggage that it is, first and foremost, the one thing we must bring back into line if any of us ever hope to reach the level of success and happiness we yearn for. Its the core. The basic fundamental. The key to it all. Control the mind, control your life. Its either that – or your mind controls you. Sad, but true.

Its all in your head. Everything is. Its not easy, and I’ll be the first to admit that. But faaaar…when you think about it, what is???