If you read my last post here, then you will know just how much of a shit week it has been. Being the over-dramatic drama queen that I am, when things around me turn to shit, I tend to get all nostalgic and let my homesickness buzz run rampant. Especially when family start dying off and we can’t make the journey back home to say goodbye. Events like this emphasise some kind of gnawing in my gut – the feeling that I may have made a huge mistake migrating here. There is something wrong with this picture. Life in Australia is not living up to my expectations. If anything, the more I stay, the more I want to go back home.
It’s very ironic, how things have turned out. I was the one that uplifted my family from a comfortable life in New Zealand. And here I was, thinking that my man would never be able to survive being away from his mummy. Yet, shocker or what, HE’S the one whose happy as Larry to be living here and talking of everything our baby is going to be able to achieve when she gets older. That was me, once upon a time, but now I can barely look that far into the future. Whereas my man and my baby seem content and settled, I’m sitting over here, floundering and wishing that I could just go home like the big fat sooky bubba that I can be sometimes.
Poor Darks. Its bad enough that he has just come out of surgery, and now he has to deal with an emotional girlfriend who always cries to go home whenever things are falling apart. His patience is wearing so thin its probably anorexic now. I marvel that he can stay with me after putting up with my Jekyll and Hyde moods. Mind you, he use to be the King of mood swings. Keywords – USE TO BE. He’s snapped out of it and learnt his lessons (I never would have thought) whereas I still have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again. But that’s me. When am I ever gonna learn?
But going home, that is not an option. No sir. Hanging in there, even when the going gets tough as hell, is the only option. Its the only option I give myself in any situation, really. Even after all the moaning and bitching and being a sooky bubba – still, I will hold fast to something if it is for the sake of a better future. Things will get better. They always do. My dream of having it all is still very much alive, and one day, I’ll be able to jump on a plane and fly home on a whim.