I had four hours sleep last night. Maybe that could be a reason why I’ve had the kind of day that i’ve had. But then again, it could be that I’ve just straight decided to go cold turkey on a variety of things that my body has been accustomed to since forever, and this is its way of dealing with the shock. Two weeks and there’s been no bread. No complex sugars except fruit and a few teaspoons in my coffee each day. Fruits, eggs, raisins, porridge, rice, vegetables and HERBALIFE are my main sources of nutrition now. No more rubbish takeaways, chocolates, lollies, chips and my main source of meats are ONLY chicken and fish. Water is now my best friend. And on top of that, this is my second week without a puff – yes, even nicotine is well and truly on its way out…again.
Its a total overthrow of my lifestyle as I’ve always known it – and I would not recommend going cold turkey on so many things at once to anyone. Unless you have a thick skin, and your belief in yourself is grand and almighty, be careful. It takes time to give up something your body is so very accustomed to.
But whatever. In spite of my newfound zest for living, I’m going to allow myself a rant because we are all entitled to bad days, right?. My life is going up and down at the same time and it is taking alot to keep my head above water when I really just want to sink! This is actually the biggest down day I’ve had since I made the choice to springclean my life of all things doing me absolutely no favours in the health department. As I said, it must be the ‘shock’ of suddenly going without that has my emotions rocketing into the sky and beyond. Kind of like when a coke addict hasn’t had a hit for days and starts going loopy. Well…thats whats happening to me right now. And though my health is thriving and it is becoming clearer by the day what direction I want to go concerning my career… my relationship with my man, and even with some of my family members is hitting the skids. Or the fan. Or the rocks.
Or all three.
If I was to pinpoint the cause of my bad day, they would fall into the following – lack of bread, lack of nicotine, lack of sugar….and heartbreak. To be honest, I dont know which is worse…
I knew the end was nigh. With my relationship, that is. Gosh, why can’t I just wash my hands of it once and for all?????? I readily accepted it when it happened, and now I’m doing a u-turn. Today, its been hitting home hard for some irritating reason. I’m crying over spilled milk, bursting into tears over every gruff word, and every sarcastic remark is cutting deep. My ugly side has been out today more than once, which makes things worse. This is how I cover up hurt – something HE should know but rarely fails to just get. Like hello? Did you know the reason we are bitches is because you make us this way? I mean, is this really not obvious to you? I wonder why after ten plus years he could never see through this, just like how I see through his asshole tendencies for what they really are – defense mechanisms because he is as insecure as the next guy? I’m wondering things along the lines of ‘did he ever love me?’ ‘Will he even miss me when I’m gone?’ But most importantly, ‘will I ever, ever let myself be this god damn vulnerable in a relationship ever again?’
Well…for what its worth, I’m pretty sure I’m wasting my time even thinking about it. Or grieving. I’m trying so hard to be mature about this. I dont want to pass blame. I know that, at the end of the day, shit happens and if its not working out then its not working out. But…gosh, it hurts. It hurts like a jab, cross and uppercut to the heart in repetitive sequences. My mind, my heart and soul they are all whispering the exact same thing, telling me that its time now…time to finally, finally let go of something that is way past its expiry date.
LET GO GIRLFRIEEEEEND!
Time to look forward now, not back. Time to go forth. Just get up, get up, get the FUCK up, get out there, and grab with two steady hands all that awaits ahead!!!