I’m not sure what it is about this year, but I seem to be becoming bluntly aware of so many things I was never aware of before. Maybe its normal at my age, you know. Maybe thirty three is an age where lights go off in your head more often than not, and you see the picture clearly, and the only thing you have to do is decide how you want to paint that picture? More colour? Less colour? Techno lights, or morbid greys and blacks? Is there a right way to paint it, and is there a wrong way? And what if you want to just leave it blank? What if you don’t give a shit about painting it, full stop? What if the earth is flat, and the moon is a large chunk of cheese?
Sorry I’m rambling. But in earnest, I believe I am making a semblance of sense too, even if I’m making sense to just myself.
Its amazing, how you can turn things around and change your entire life in just under a year. The picture for me started out as blank – or rather, a mix of rainbow colours, smudged in blinding confusion. Confusion. Lack of direction. Lack of discipline. Lack of a life. This was me, just a mere six months ago. I had no idea what I wanted to do. No, actually, when I think about it, i knew exactly what I wanted to do, but just had no idea how to go about doing it.
And now here I am – employed and living the life I have always wanted to live. Part-time kitchen hand. Part-time fitness instructor. Herbalife Distributor, and slowly…slowly working my way towards becoming established in my career within the Health and Fitness Industry. I aint super rich, or anywhere near as successful as I want to be, but I can say I’m definitely on my way. I have goals. I have sky-high ambitions. But then I have always had these things, and am only now just working towards making these things a reality.
Pretty ironic, too, how I have managed to reach a size twelve without even trying. Two more months, and me and my girl should be fit for bikini’s this summer. But as if I’ll ever have the courage to wear one. Healthier? Check. Happier? Shit yeah. My lifestyle has undergone dramatic change for the better. And if only I could say the same thing about my mind.
The pattern of my life has emerged, and its not a shock, although I must say its thrown me into a bit of a tizz. Actually its annoying. Its annoying because I have noticed that, when things are going well, and I’m on track and thriving, the foreboding darkness that lies dormant in the dark corners of my brain wants to suddenly come out to play. The pull towards the unknown, towards temptation and towards the dark becomes so strong sometimes that I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. I have been this way all my life. I have given in to some pretty demonic urges. I don’t know why I am like this. I really don’t.
And its happening again. For all my determination to control my mind rather than let it control me, I once again find myself fighting with the fucking thing in an effort to stay on the right track. I try so hard, man. I keep my thoughts positive and shining. I’m on top of my game. My bank account looks good, my family life is stable and solid, my health is thriving and life in general has been good to me.
Life is a million times better than what it was half a year ago, and I give thanks everyday to the Lord for giving me the strength, the will and the ability to pull myself up and out of the dark when I really have to. Yet I am again feeling the strongest need to go back into the blackness. What is up with that? Time is ticking loudly, and my need to pursue a forbidden obsession is just about consuming me. Why is it that I can’t see the wrong in it? Why cant I see the logic? Why can’t I see the picture clearly in this one? Why is it that I feel more safe operating in the dark than in the light?
Am I the only one like this?
Seek and ye shall find.
I have people who rely on me now, yet I am so scared of making one wrong move and fucking it all up. There is something wrong with the way I think. Something very wrong, that much I am aware of. Colour life yellow – thats what we all want to do, right? Well how the fuck are we suppose to do that, living in this world?? I need salvation. I need answers. I need Jesus. If I want to even attempt to paint my life in any other color besides black… I need something…
Sorry. Having a moment. Hopefully, a moment is all it is…