Color life yellow

Whoever said it was hard to change your mindset knew what they were on about. The mistake they made was using the word ‘hard’ because ‘hard’ doesn’t even begin describe it. Just the fact that I am thinking it is hard goes to show just how powerful the mind controls, when it should really be the other way around. But…it is hard, no kidding. Its worse than hard, ten times, maybe twenty times worse. It takes such colossal effort you might as well try lift a house with your bare hands. Changing your life is to change your way of thinking. Its a total makeover of your life as you’ve always known it, and an overhaul of a whole entire lifetime of habits and thought patterns that have seemingly been set in stone in the deepest recesses of your psyche.

Im not being pessimistic. Nor am I being negative. I actually like to think that, for once in my life, I am being realistic. I’ve spent years and years putting in the effort of constantly pumping myself up with positive affirmations and inspirational quotes – because I’ve had to to combat the negative thoughts that sometimes come as naturally to us as breathing. Of course, at the time, you don’t realize that they are negative thoughts. It takes a while to awaken to the reality of it. At the time, you just think they are thoughts – that they have always been there and always will be. They don’t really have much to do with anything that happens in your life…do they?

Actually, yes they do. I think I am finally waking up and smelling the coffee. Thoughts and everything that goes on in the mind has everything to do with what goes on in your life. Im sure of it. And the famous sayings that have been passed down since ancient times are clicking into place – and are finally starting to make sense.

“…to change your life is to change your way of thinking…its an overhaul of an entire lifetime of habits and thought patterns that have seemingly been set in stone in the deepest recesses of your psyche…”

I doubt that I am all alone when it comes to experiencing the wonders of what goes on ‘up there’. My mind churns endlessly and at times just absolutely refuses to be still. It twists and turns, rises and falls, questions, prods, wants this and that before self-doubt the size of Texas storms in and overshadows it all – and it does this every single day. As I write this, I imagine my mind as fifty percent light, and fifty percent dark. The image I had in my head – half my brain coloured yellow, and the other half coloured black, kind of made me giggle – and yet it also revealed a stone-cold sober truth to me. Naturally, the yellow side displayed all that was good in my life. It held all my hopes and dreams, my aspirations and ambitions – and that unwavering, steadfast faith that has never let me down, even in times of trouble. On this side of my mind, positivity ruled with an iron fist. Smiles and laughter and appreciation for life and all its experiences lived here. This is where all my good memories were stored. This is where an understanding and empathy for all those that I knew – friend or foe – dwelled. This is the side that speaks to me lovingly, encouragingly, urging me to press on, to keep going. Telling me that I am human. Telling me that its ok, that we all make mistakes. And that we all deserve the best that life has to offer – no matter what.

On this side of my brain, I have stood back up after a momentary setback and am once again making plans to go after what I want. I am living my life exactly the way I want to. Visualizations are flickering throughout my brain like images on a projector screen – and they are showing me doing the things I absolutely love – taking Zumba classes down at the gym – writing and becoming a published writer – leading a fulfilling and healthy lifestyle and, most importantly, helping others do the same. Living the example, becoming the example and becoming somebody my baby will be proud of, my family and friends will be proud of – but most of all, going that extra mile and becoming somebody that I can be proud of.

And then there is the black side. Here lurks all that is ugly and all that is bad. Self-doubt, pessismism and negativity dwell here. The voice is of the snarling kind, and it tells me that I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, I’m never gonna make it, I’m never gonna be somebody and nobody loves me. This is where the memories of every bad thing that I have ever done in my life are stored. It may have happened years ago, but they still have a habit of replaying in my head like a bad movie I’ve seen a thousand times. Reminders of when I was a baaaad girl, and thus, because I was a bad girl, I don’t deserve any of the good that life has to offer.

In reality, these really are only just thoughts. But what I’ve come to realize is that these thoughts are a host to a multitude of other things. For example, when I was in high school, there was this one guy that would tease me relentlessly. He called me fat. He called me ugly. He threw the ball in my face one time, which resulted in a bruised and bloodied nose. He was pretty cruel. When the topic comes up, I always re-tell this story – but I tell it in a way where it is intended to be funny, and the moral of the story is that I have moved on from it. I think I have moved on – but to an extent. I have supreme confidence in myself now. I know what I am and I know what I’m not. Self-honesty is very important to me. And to be honest, I think that, when that bad movie plays in my head about that specific time in my life, it conjures up that insecurity once again, even though I am now a thirty three year old woman. When I have that thought in my head, the feelings of hopelessness return and causes me to doubt myself. Which, in turn, propels me to make choices based on how I am feeling because of this memory that is imprinted on my brain.

And I think this is what its all about. There is a war waging within each and every one of us – yellow versus black – but it is up to us to decide whether light is going to prevail over dark or the other way around. Every little aspect of our lives can be improved drastically – if only we can control our mind rather than having it control us. The life I dream of living – the life you dream of living – it has every chance of manifesting – BUT only when we learn discipline in all things – including disciplining the mind.

“…every little aspect of our lives can be improved…if only we can control our mind instead of letting it control us…”

Especially disciplining the mind. That is the major factor. It is, I think, going to be the key to everything. For example, when I tell myself that I need to awaken every morning at six to do pilates, mediatate for half an hour, write for one hour tops and get the house spic and span before baby is up and claiming all of my attention – then thats what I have to do. Its actually what I really want to do, but the mind is constantly on a roll with excuses. I went to bed late. My baby woke up in the middle of the night. I had a hard day yesterday. Or my favourite – there’s always tomorrow. And what if you were more onto it with your babies routine? What if you had meditated yesterday to relieve some of the stress from having a bad day? What if tomorrow never comes???

The health, fitness and self-improvement industry – these are the fields I have my sights set on, and my primary plan is to combine these with my writing somehow. The main reason I have always desired to work in these areas is because I know firsthand just how AMAZING it feels when your body and health are in top condition – and I want to help others experience this feeling too. But although I know I am more than capable of entering and excelling in whatever profession I choose, I am, at this point, hardly in any position to be advising others. I am currently battling to give up the cigarettes, and argue with myself everyday over this stupid, pointless, money-wasting habit. Just the other day I was thinking to myself how smoking was holding me back. But its not the smoking holding me back…..its this little squishy roundish thing in my head!

Lack of discipline and lack of mind power – thats what it comes down to I think. But I’m getting onto that now. I want to erase the blackness in my mind, and paint it with the brightest yellow in the box. Ultimately, this is my goal. But…oh man, is it hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe it. Doesn’t mean its impossible, though. Nothing in life is. It just means I haven’t figured out how to do it yet. But I will….eventually.