gone blank



From what I’ve seen in movies and read in books, its usually a powerful, moving, unforgettable or defining moment in your life, like a near-death experience, that motivates you to wake up and smell the coffee and make the most of your life before you cark it. So I’m not entirely sure a screaming match with my man (which could have ended in a boxing match) counts as a ‘defining moment, seeing this has only taken place like a zillion times.

Guy gets drunk, and suddenly the ‘feelings’ come out. Starts ranting about how much I don’t ‘respect’ him , and tells me, yet again, to fuck off. Girl reacts by throwing butter at his head, which conveniently misses its target and ends up splattered all over the wall. Guy picks up whats left over of the butter and flings it back at girl, and what do you know, girl gets remaining butter splattered all over arm. Guy wakes up the next morning, apologetic, sorry, remorseful – and says the words that girl has heard about, oh, only a thousand times – ‘i didn’t mean it.’ Girl doesn’t talk to him, and three days later, guy is probably beginning to feel like casper the ghost.

Edited PG version of the events, by the way. Girl still can’t believe that, after all these years, she is still putting up with this shit. She just can’t seem to leave this fella alone, even though its pretty obvious to kingdom come and beyond that the dude brings out the worst in her. And that it is never going to change.

 “Girl still can’t believe that, after all these years, she is still putting up with this shit. She just can’t seem to leave this fella alone, even though its pretty obvious to kingdom come and beyond that the dude brings out the worst in her.”

Yes I’m talking about us – again. The other morning, still hurting from the nasty words that spill from the mans mouth after hes gotta few in him, I caught myself in the the mirror as I was getting dressed for work, and automatically started singing the tin man’s song – ‘if I only had a braaaaain.’ Because for real life, where is my brain at?? Why do I believe after thirteen long years that this will ‘never happen again?’ Why do I get lulled back into a false sense of security, only to be let down yet again. Darks aint a bad guy. Let me just state that as fact. Hes an awesome dad and a good provider. But like every other tom dick and harry, and contrary to what others believe, he DOES have a bad side. And that bad side coaxes the evil out of me easily…too easily!

I don’t like the person I become when I’m angry. Shes bad-ass, and not in a good way. And I’m not just talking about throwing butter either. Ever seen a butterfly??? Ahahaha. But seriously, I’m talking about words. Once you throw those out, they can never be taken back, and karma has probably got something in store for me in that regard. Words have always had the potential to hurt me worse than a punch to the dome. But even worse is my mouth because, when it gets going, it can be just as bad as a punch to the dome too. At times I think its a miracle that me and Darks are still together after all the nasty shit that we have said to each other. But I guess thats just how relationships roll.

 “Deep down in my heart of hearts, I already knew, and probably have known for a long time – that there was nothing to talk about. There was nothing that we would have said or discussed or compromised that we hadn’t of already said, discussed or compromised a thousand times before.”

Following these bust ups, I become the ultimate evil personified.  I purposely become nit-picky, snarky, bitchy, and downright difficult because that has always been my way of punishing Darks after he goes off on a drunken rant.  But it was different this time.  Three days passed and even though you could have sworn it was just me and baby in the house, and Darks really was Casper the ghost, I just…well, simply put, I just didn’t care.  On the third day, I found I’d gone totally blank. I approached Dark when he got home from work the other day and was all ‘how was your day’ as if I didn’t throw butter at his head or treated him as if he didn’t exist for three whole days in a row. He responded with a ‘good, mubs, how was yours and babies day?’ and that was that. Over with. Life carried on as per usual. I was waiting for the ‘we should talk about this’ topic to come up…but it didnt. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I already knew, and probably have known for a long time – that there was nothing to talk about. There was nothing that we would have said or discussed or compromised that we hadn’t of already said, discussed or compromised a thousand times before. It would have been like playing a scratched record. I felt so blank it was weird. Not entirely sure whats up with that?

Its like I’m not worried about fixing us anymore, and if that ain’t a defining moment, I dunno what it is.

Gone blank. Completely blank. Honest…there’s just….nothing…???

when its time to let go…

Okay…so the go cold turkey on the smoking didnt quite work out this round. I managed to last two days before my emotions blew out of control and I caved in, begging Darks to buy me a packet. I was juuuuust about there too. If I had hung in there one more day, that ‘its the end of the world’ mind frame that I find myself in when I havent had a hit of nicotine would have passed. The shakes would have subsided. The urge to kill Darks for no reason other than being himself would have lessened. Pfffft…and I thought I had some semblance of control over my mind. In the nicotine area, my control sucks. The first three days are the hardest, no shit. But…I’m working on it. As I do.

But even though I havent managed to end the nicotine spree just yet, something else has come to an end. And not quite abruptly, if I might add. When the reality hit, it never really came as a surprise to me and, if I were to hazard a guess, I don’t think it will come as a surprise to anyone really. Least of all me and Darks.

Me and Darks. Chalk and cheese. Night and Day. He the logical, me the emotional. He the popular, me the loner. He the responsible and open, me the reckless and secretive. He all cold and detached on the inside, and me forever burning with emotions that, right up until this day, he has never been able to fully comprehend. They say opposites attract, and that’s us – thats always been us. Even after some ten plus years, nothings changed. Only difference is we have alot more calmer way of dealing with situations now. No more scrapping it out, no more screaming and shouting and throwing things at each other. No more running off for days on end, or at least on my part. Old age and maturity I think. In that way, me and Darks have grown so much. But the core issues are still there. Always have been, and if I stay, they always will be.

In a way, I think Dark is going to be very relieved when he realizes that I am summoning up every ounce of courage I can muster to finally let him go. Even though this isn’t exactly out of the blue, as we’ve been talking about it for a year, I still sense that he’s going to be hurt. But I also sense that hes going to be ok. As for me…well, there are times when I feel I’ll be just fine. Then there are times like now, where I feel lost and uncertan and harbour this gigantic fear of being without the one person I could always rely on to be there for me when life got dicey. I’ll be surprised if loosening my hold over this relationship for good doesn’t kill me. Its been pretty much the only constant thing in my life, and the only semblance of stability I have, even if I do spend countless of hours each day trying to understand where hes coming from, where I’m coming from, and wondering how the hell we’re supposed to find the middle ground amongst it all.

Twelve years of doing that…and I just cant do it anymore. I’ve exhausted all my efforts and have finally thrown in the towel. I have nothing more to give. I cant keep fighting it, or denying the obvious, nor can I make this relationship into something that it is not. And I can’t hush that inner voice anymore, the one that has always blasted me with that truth over the years despite my stubborn refusal to hear it. Even if I did cover my ears and refuse to listen to it then, I’m listening to it now. And its slowly but surely beginning to sink right in.

Its never easy for me to let go of something that means so much to me. Thats always been me. I’ve been clinging onto Darks like hes my life raft – my anchor – the only one that can keep me from drowning. The people I consider close to me – my friends and my family – they only know me to a certain extent. They know only what I choose to let them see. Darks – he knows all of me. He knows me in all my uncensored glory. He can see what lies beneath the many different layers, and can read through the many veils of pretense that I can drape over myself on any given day. Pretty ironic, how I let the walls come down for him, and pretty much gave him the key to my heart and everything that lay within. And hes the only one I’ve ever really let in, truly and completely. Yet he still doesn’t seem to understand me. But I understand him. I understand his needs and his wants, and feel like I’ve supported him accordingly. And with each day that goes by, I’m coming to understand about him the most important aspect of all. That he is never going to change. And neither am I.

I think a big part of why I’m scared to let him go has more to do with me than him. Actually, when I think about it, its probably the absolute reason. I have a hard time accepting the real me sometimes. At times, I confuse even myself. I have days where I question and doubt myself so much that it drives me crazy. And because I spend so much time on that wavelength, I naturally presume that others are thinking along the same lines. But I’m learning to get over it. As for Darks, he may have never understood me. Nevertheless, I always felt like he accepted me – exactly as I was. I fear of never experiencing that acceptance again. But I’m working on learning to accept myself, which, I think, is going to be the hardest – yet most profound lesson of all.

But the pain…oh…like razor blades slicing away at my heart. It aches yet now knows that what I want can never be. But…I’m determined to get through it, because getting ‘through it’ is something I’m good at doing, so I take a bit of comfort in that. I think I’ll always love this guy. And if I could write a list about the things I’ve learnt from him, that list would be a page long. Being with him has not only been an honour and a privilege, but it has also been the greatest learning experience of my life. Though we are currently under the same roof, the gap between us is already beginning to widen, so its now only a matter of time. Despite the heaviness in my heart, and despite the turmoil going on inside my head, I know I have to fade out of his life somehow, and see it through to its inevitable conclusion. He will be ok. And, I think, so will I.