The Royal Baby Reality Show

As I prepare to write this post, it hits me that I am glad my blog is relatively unknown. I say that because I am about to voice my probably unwanted opinion on ‘The Royal baby.’ Seeing as I am nobody important yet, and my blog name doesn’t even show up in search engines, I reckon I am safe to rant to my hearts content.

Anyway, The Royal Baby. Arrgh. You know, I never felt compelled to write about it before. Every other Tom, Dick and Harry or anyone meaningful in the world of journalism have pounced upon the subject like a hungry dog to a juicy bone. But, much to my irritation, it has grown on me. And how could it not? It graces our TV, our internet and the local papers. I walk to the shop and see Kate and Wills and ‘that baby’ plastered on just about every magazine on the rack. My Facebook newsfeed, my Twitter account, Linkedin account and Google plus account has been blowing up with notifications of the heir to the thrones son. And, up til thus far, I have stealthily managed to avoid mentioning it because, quite frankly, I really don’t give a shit

And just last night, out of routine and habit, I am lying in bed, mobile phone in hand, baby suckling off my tit and on her way to dreamland. The very last thing I like to do every night before I nod off is read my Big Pond Home page. It contains the latest news, national and international, entertainment updates, what’s going on in the business world, updates about the weather and so forth.

Of course, I was expecting ‘that baby’ to be all up in there too. But what I wasn’t expecting was for my faithful, much-loved, factual news site, which I have pinned onto my mobile screen saver because I love it so much, to have given The Royal Baby a menu of it’s own.

Huh? A menu of it’s own? So now, my BIG POND home page looks something like this:


Stupid, stupid morons! I absolutely cringed when I saw it. From the day I arrived in Australia, and got handed my first Telstra Australian mobile phone, courtesy of my beloved brother in Newman, Big Pond, to me, has been my most reliable source of all things important and credible in the world. And now I feel betrayed. It’s tainted in my eyes. What on earth were they thinking?

Ok, I sound like I have something against the royal family and babies in general. That is not true. I am genuinely happy for Wills and Kate, I really am. And that baby, he’s gorgeous, and will probably grow up with a silver spoon it’s mouth and never have to worry about money in it’s life, the lucky tyke. But, I mean, come on. It’s a baby, ya’ll! You see all the speculation, the frenzied media hype, the thousands among thousands of people with their camera’s just about breaking their necks to get a pic of the little fella. And you would expect to see something amazing, something spectacular and out of this world! Like a dog playing the harmonica or something. And it is only a baby. A tiny, innocent, white little blob. Nothing to go insane about.

I love babies. Love them to death. I better clear the air on that one as I realise my rant is verging on the edge of being ‘anti baby.’ They are life’s most precious gifts, they really are. When they are born, babies look the same to me. They just come in different shapes, colours and sizes, then grow up to look absolutely nothing like what they looked like when they were first spurted out. I wonder who Wills and Kate’s baby will look like most, him or her? If he grows to look like his mother, he’s gonna be a handsome little man. And if he ends up with more of his father’s genes than his mother’s, then it looks like his hair is gonna be falling out early.

One thing is clear. This baby is gonna grow up with the media as his second parents.  I can see it now.  He is gonna be the unwilling star in his own reality show, and garner more attention than Kim Kardashian, and he won’t have to take off his clothes and undergo plastic surgery to get it.  And if that isn’t bad enough, the fella’s not even one yet, but his future is already being mapped out by Royal associates.  His path is never going to be his own.  Despite the ‘silver spoon and never having to worry about money in his life’ comment I made up there somewhere, I almost feel sorry for him.  But Wills and Kate – they seem like sensible people with their heads screwed on, despite the massive wealth behind them.  I reckon they will make fantastic parents, and rear an equally fantastic son.

Not that all this is beneficial to my own life, right now.  So, time to move on.  Good luck with your guys baby, William and Kate.  I’m putting the odds on a bald head by the time he’s thirty.

God Bless.