gone blank

GONE BLANK

stock-footage-man-breaking-up-with-woman-heartbreak-concept

From what I’ve seen in movies and read in books, its usually a powerful, moving, unforgettable or defining moment in your life, like a near-death experience, that motivates you to wake up and smell the coffee and make the most of your life before you cark it. So I’m not entirely sure a screaming match with my man (which could have ended in a boxing match) counts as a ‘defining moment, seeing this has only taken place like a zillion times.

Guy gets drunk, and suddenly the ‘feelings’ come out. Starts ranting about how much I don’t ‘respect’ him , and tells me, yet again, to fuck off. Girl reacts by throwing butter at his head, which conveniently misses its target and ends up splattered all over the wall. Guy picks up whats left over of the butter and flings it back at girl, and what do you know, girl gets remaining butter splattered all over arm. Guy wakes up the next morning, apologetic, sorry, remorseful – and says the words that girl has heard about, oh, only a thousand times – ‘i didn’t mean it.’ Girl doesn’t talk to him, and three days later, guy is probably beginning to feel like casper the ghost.

Edited PG version of the events, by the way. Girl still can’t believe that, after all these years, she is still putting up with this shit. She just can’t seem to leave this fella alone, even though its pretty obvious to kingdom come and beyond that the dude brings out the worst in her. And that it is never going to change.

 “Girl still can’t believe that, after all these years, she is still putting up with this shit. She just can’t seem to leave this fella alone, even though its pretty obvious to kingdom come and beyond that the dude brings out the worst in her.”

Yes I’m talking about us – again. The other morning, still hurting from the nasty words that spill from the mans mouth after hes gotta few in him, I caught myself in the the mirror as I was getting dressed for work, and automatically started singing the tin man’s song – ‘if I only had a braaaaain.’ Because for real life, where is my brain at?? Why do I believe after thirteen long years that this will ‘never happen again?’ Why do I get lulled back into a false sense of security, only to be let down yet again. Darks aint a bad guy. Let me just state that as fact. Hes an awesome dad and a good provider. But like every other tom dick and harry, and contrary to what others believe, he DOES have a bad side. And that bad side coaxes the evil out of me easily…too easily!

I don’t like the person I become when I’m angry. Shes bad-ass, and not in a good way. And I’m not just talking about throwing butter either. Ever seen a butterfly??? Ahahaha. But seriously, I’m talking about words. Once you throw those out, they can never be taken back, and karma has probably got something in store for me in that regard. Words have always had the potential to hurt me worse than a punch to the dome. But even worse is my mouth because, when it gets going, it can be just as bad as a punch to the dome too. At times I think its a miracle that me and Darks are still together after all the nasty shit that we have said to each other. But I guess thats just how relationships roll.

 “Deep down in my heart of hearts, I already knew, and probably have known for a long time – that there was nothing to talk about. There was nothing that we would have said or discussed or compromised that we hadn’t of already said, discussed or compromised a thousand times before.”

Following these bust ups, I become the ultimate evil personified.  I purposely become nit-picky, snarky, bitchy, and downright difficult because that has always been my way of punishing Darks after he goes off on a drunken rant.  But it was different this time.  Three days passed and even though you could have sworn it was just me and baby in the house, and Darks really was Casper the ghost, I just…well, simply put, I just didn’t care.  On the third day, I found I’d gone totally blank. I approached Dark when he got home from work the other day and was all ‘how was your day’ as if I didn’t throw butter at his head or treated him as if he didn’t exist for three whole days in a row. He responded with a ‘good, mubs, how was yours and babies day?’ and that was that. Over with. Life carried on as per usual. I was waiting for the ‘we should talk about this’ topic to come up…but it didnt. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I already knew, and probably have known for a long time – that there was nothing to talk about. There was nothing that we would have said or discussed or compromised that we hadn’t of already said, discussed or compromised a thousand times before. It would have been like playing a scratched record. I felt so blank it was weird. Not entirely sure whats up with that?

Its like I’m not worried about fixing us anymore, and if that ain’t a defining moment, I dunno what it is.

Gone blank. Completely blank. Honest…there’s just….nothing…???

The Alphabet Guide to Being a Good Girlfriend…(from my point of view, anyway)

Appreciate the little things – so he’s not the most romantic dude on the planet, nor does he rock your world in the bedroom department.  But appreciate the things he DOES do.  (e.g works hard to provide for his family, comes home to you every night, gets your favourite chocolate when he makes a trip to town etc.)

Blowjobs are gold to men – make sure you give him plenty, and you’ll have him wrapped around your little finger.

Compliment him often.  Not only will this boost his ego, but you may find him returning the favour – tenfold.

Dinner on the table EVERY NIGHT – especially if he works hard.

Encourage him in whatever he does.

Focus on the good things about your man, forget about the bad (unless he’s beating you or cheating on you left, right and centre.  Then, honey, your just being a dumb ass by staying.)  The more you focus on the good, the more of that good you will get back.

Give, give, give and you will receive.

Just like my Darks.

Have a break from him at least once a week.  Do something with a friend, go see a movie, go out and get on the piss.  It is important to keep your own identity in a relationship and prevent yourself from becoming too clingy.  Clinginess can be annoying to some men.  And it makes woman look weak.

Initiate SEX often.  There will be no need for your man to stray if you can keep him happy in between the sheets.

Jealousy is a relationship killer.  Seriously.  Let it go.

KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  BE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU ARE.  And never, ever let a relationship compromise that.  Confidence in woman is very sexy to men.

Loyalty – one loyal girlfriend is worth more than a hundred hoes.

“It’s not the good times that make a couple stronger, but how they carry each other through the bad times.”

Mind games is another relationship killer.  Mind games is a sign of WEAKNESS and INSECURITY.  LEAVE IT OUT.

Never try to change your man.  This mostly ALWAYS backfires.

Openly communicate with your man.  The Silent Treatment (when a woman goes quiet because she’s pissed off) is a woman’s most over-used reverse psychological tactic.  It is also the weakest tactic.  Men are not mind readers.  Never have been.  Never will be.  Be straight up with your man.

Pride in your appearance.  A man likes for his lady to dress up to the nines now and then.

Quit asking so many questions.  If you persist on constantly nagging about where he’s been, what he’s been up to, who he’s been with etc, etc, then you will either drive him away, or your relationship will be fraught with tension and mistrust – and that sucks!

Respect and a mutual understanding of each other.

Space – one of the most important things a man needs.  The more you let him go, the more he will come back to you

TRUST!  One of the biggest assets on which to build any relationship.

UNDERSTAND that men will always be men.  It is in a man’s nature to look at other woman, and it is in a woman’s nature to find this threatening.  Unless your man’s eyes are absolutely bulging, his tongue is hanging out, and he has a visible hard-on while ogling another woman, then leave him alone. Feeling anger at your man for staring at other girls says something about YOU not him.

Visit his mother.  A bit off track, I know, but if you can get on reasonably civil terms with the dreaded mother-in-law, then he’s going to love you for that one!

Words – most men totally suck when it comes to telling you all the things you want to hear.  Keep an eye on his actions – that s what tells you whether he’s worth holding onto or not.

XXX – and again, I emphasise, lots and lots of hot and heavy SEX!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!  Make sure that your man is treating you like a QUEEN before you treat him like a king.

ZEAL FOR YOU RELATIONSHIP – KEEP IT ALIVE AND KEEP IT HONEST

True Story.