the ‘lifestyle overhaul challenge’ update

BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE!!  CONTAINS IMAGES THAT MAY HARM EYES, AND SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT PHRASES THAT MAY CAUSE IRRITATION…(especially if you know me, as I am continuously using these phrases…and mostly never stick to them.)

I had a plan of glorifying this first ‘lifestyle overhaul’ challenge update.  I have at least four ‘lifestyle overhaul’ drafts, each of which is approximately three to four pages long.  But I have decided that, after weeks of horrendous brain storming and editing, documenting every little inch of my progress – or lack of – is something that is going to achieve nothing short of detracting from the true purpose of this post.  In other words, I have bad habit of doodling off course when writing, to the point where even I didn’t know what I was on about in the first place.

So I am just going to keep this as basic and concise as I possibly can.

At the moment, I am skulling back some lovely Barcadi and Cola cans.  They are going down a treat after an entire week of listening to Mariah Carey (aka my baby) in all her Terrible Two glory.  I have just sat down again after puffing away on a cigarette.  And we had fish and chips for tea, and yes, I had some.  The whole point being that it would seem hypocritical of me to post a three-page long update about achieving my small time goals when I am still very much behind the start line.  Well, sort of.

ANYWAY…MOVING ON.  Want to hear how I’ve been doing on this LifeStyle Overhaul Challenge?  Probably not…but here goes anyway.  Follow it if you can.

“…I want to be smokefree because it will restore my beautiful skin and white teeth (hopefully).  I want to be as SUPER HOT as Kim Kardashian before she had her baby.  And I want to fit into this tiny black dress, and be in a bikini by November so I can get ogled at by dozens of men.”

* A little bit much, I know.  I reckon all woman want to be hot like Kim Kardashian and swan around on a beach in a bikini while being ogled at by dozens of men – it’s just something you don’t say out loud. Quotes and philosophy and mumbo jumbo about ‘finding your inner beauty’ has never worked for me, so maybe this will.  I know I am beautiful on the inside, but I wanna be beautiful on the outside too.  And since when was that such a crime?

* Exercise regime starts on Monday.  Yoga every mornings, light walking most evenings, and weights three times a week.

* Have begun The Celebrity Slim Program.  Well, sort of.  Today doesn’t count, as it is Friday, and I got my Centrelink payment, so buying unhealthy and greasy fish and chips for tea was something I felt obligated to do after a whole week of cooking tragically shitty dinners for my men (sorry boys).  As for the beers?  It’s been two weeks since I last had one, and it is only a six pack.

* The Celebrity Srim works like this – One shake for brekky, one shake for lunch, and ‘anything you want for dinner’ – anything meaning not exactly anything.  Should have just said meat and vegetables because, when I look at the dinner options on the container, that’s all I can see.

* It is only the kick start phase by the way, so ‘you shouldn’t starve yourself, that’s bad’ innuendo’s not needed thank you.

This is me, now.  Edited of course, but how tragic will that be if I chucked up the reality?

Ok, ok.  I’m gonna bite the bullet and put up the reality.  You gotta admit, though.  I’m good at creating an illusion.


This is probably the GAMEST thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.  But still…arrrgh.

And this is me, in November 2013, sometime before Christmas…minus the big boobs and voluptuous hips, of course.  I can’t push for too much.

As I said before – philosophy has never worked for me, I am simply using my imagination here.  And also…DON’T JUDGE!

“I want to be smokefree.”

* I believe I put up a post – on Tuesday I think – moaning up a storm because of the lack of nicotine in my system.  I gave up on Monday.  On Tuesday night, I broke, went out and brought me a packet of JPS, and am now back at square one.

* Must try and beat the craving.  Have this little routine going on where I give up, break about twenty four hours later, buy a packet, then tell myself I’m going to give up ‘after this packet.  Fuck, it is so annoying.

* I don’t think there is anything I can do or say to myself which is going to help me in the least with ditching the smokes.  If my dad and my sister died from cancer, and that still didn’t scare me off the smokes, I don’t know what will.

* Must still try though.  Sheer will power is key.  I did it once before and I can do it again.  I’ll just wait until this packet runs out.  Then I’ll give up!!

If I keep doing this…

I am going to end up with teeth like this


Or WORSE…I could end up like this…


Jesus Christ…freaked myself out on that one.

“I want to be debt free and filthy rich in approximately THREE YEARS TIME!!  (Unless I win the Lotto before that.)”


* Have not fed this Progressive Saver since I left Newman, three months ago.

* Must set up an automatic payment and have something going out every week, even if it is just five dollars.

* Am constantly dodging letters from Inland Revenue from back home, regarding my Student Loan, which amounts to $10,000.  Just looking at that figure makes me break out in a sweat.  Should visualize it as ‘being in credit.’  It won’t be true, but at least imagining that it is takes away some of the panic.

* Then there is my BNZ LOAN, which is only $380.00 really, but probably more now, thanks to missed payment fees.

* And last of all, my audiologist bill.  Last time I rang them, they put me on hold for half an hour – and then I ran out of credit.  So I tried.  I really did.

* NOT HARD ENOUGH GIRL!  So the action I need to take here is set up a monthly Automatic Payment and delegate a certain amount to each bill.  Fucking hell, even if it’s just twenty dollars for each one, per month, that’s better than nothing.  The cunt’s will stop complaining, and I won’t have to worry when it comes to going in and out of the country when I go home for holidays.

* Must stop being lazy here and get on top of it!!

* Must continue using Visualization Method’s to bring money to me!  When it pops up, I will know (talking money-making opportunities here.)

* OH…and also, must learn to walk straight past IGA when taking baby on walks, as that is why I end up spending money on useless and inane things when I could be putting it into my Piggy Bank.  Which reminds me….MUST GET A PIGGY BANK FROM KMART!!!

“I want to be completely at peace with everything around me.”

* Breathe.  Let things go.  In one ear, out the other.  And maybe meditate?

* Join local groups of like-minded people.  A writer’s group?  A reading group?  A save the fucking animal group?  Something.  Must try harder to surround myself with people who are brimming with positivity!

* At the same time, must learn to accept people as they are, and make a mighty effort to STOP BEING SO GOD-DAMN HEADSTRONG AND STUBBORN.  This is what causes conflict.  And conflict on the outside is NOT worth the consequences and conflict that results on the inside.  WISE UP, WOMAN!

* And also, a light at the end of the tunnel or what, ever since I have taken up with my writing again I feel I am finally doing what I was put on this earth to do.  Even if no-one reads my writing, or assumes that I am talking a whole lot of incoherent crap, which I probably am most of the time.  At least I am happy doing it.  More than happy actually, I love, love, love it!  This helps in terms of being at peace, I guess, so it’s not all thumbs down and cons.  I am doing something I’ve wanted to do since I was a chubby little pre-teen.  So that’s one DING-DING-DING for me!  Well done!

* So keep up with the writing.  If having one of them grey days, even when outside is sunny, turn laptop on, navigate to blog, and let it all out as if no-one is going to read it.  Beats counsellor’s and psychiatrists any old day, even if I am going to come across as mad (so what else is new.)


I think I deserve a 3.  I’m really not trying hard enough, so even a three is pushing it.  Need vast improvement in ALL AREAS, and need to ditch the excuses – or at least find or make up a new excuse as the current one’s are so old dinosaurs could have used them on each other.

To be fair, though, it is only the start.  See what happenes in two weeks from now.  Must live and breathe this lifestyle as if my life depends on it.  Which it does.

Simply put, it is ‘HEALTHY, POSITIVE LIVING.’  Sounds so corny, but I want it soooo badly.  And I will get it.  I will!  Maybe not next week, or the week after.  Or even the week after that.  But in time.  All in good time.

See ya’ll in two weeks! I am soooo gonna do this.



P.S I wrote this on Friday, but only had the nerve to publish it now.  Just so everyone knows that I do have SOME sense of reality, and didn’t assume it was Friday today.  Thought I’d better point that out.  PEACE!

Nailing the basics.

Since I’ve thrown in the towel in regards to working for anyone else ever again, I have a lot of time on my hands. I’m a woman on a mission, yes, but everyone’s gotta start somewhere, right? Looking after a tyrannical two-year old who thinks she knows everything presents its challenges, but there’s twenty four hours in a day. We tend to sleep for eight hours, which leaves sixteen hours. Subtract writing from that, say three hours a day and that leaves thirteen. Housewife duties, cooking for the man, keeping the house in tip-top shape, three hours. That’s ten hours left over. Now, seeing as I’m planning on incorporating Pilates and a twenty-minute dance routine into the mix, I’d say that’s another hour. So I have nine hours approximate spare time on my hands. I think. I never was a gun at math.

So, what am I going to do with those nine hours? Well, here’s an idea. Why not dedicate more time and effort into achieving some small goals. Hmm yes, why not indeed?

So my life’s in a bit of a rut. Okay, okay, understatement of the year. It’s in a hell of a rut. Physically. Financially. Maybe even spiritually. Heres why.

My number one worst habit. Am determined give these disgusting things the flick – once and for all!

1. Am unfit. Not obese or even fat, but with wobbly bits everywhere (stomach and arms mainly) that I wish to tone up. Also have unresolved body issues that stem from my fat days (an eon ago) which I want to put behind me – once and for all.

2. Smoke ten plus cigarettes a day.

3. Have a student loan and debt amounting to fifteen thousand dollars in total. The last time I checked my bank account the balance read 0.02 cents. Almost had heart attack.

4. Have major issues accepting that the way the world is, its the way its going to be forever more. For example – wars, fighting and starving kids in South Africa make me cry. You know that World Vision advertisement they play on tv, the one with the flies buzzing around the poor little kids chocolate coloured head? That ad is the reason I don’t watch TV anymore.

5. Am unemployed. Originally, this wasn’t a problem. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was calling it ‘free’. Free from the restrictions of living like an automated robot and working myself to the bone to make someone else’s dream come true. That kinda jazz. Fast forward two weeks later, and I’m already feeling the pinch on my wallet.

6. And, my worst habit? A high tendency to procrastinate. Like way too much. Came to the laptop tonight with intention of starting on second chapter of my book – and end up in here instead. The book needs more attention than this blog. See what I mean? Procrastinating. Or does that fall into prioritising? And that’s only one of the lame examples.

I’m not getting any younger. Be good to my body, so my body can be good to me.

So what am I going to do about it? Well here’s an idea. How about an entire LIFESTYLE OVERHAUL. Haha. I make that sound so easy. As if I’m any different from the millions of other women out there who wish to under go an ‘entire lifestyle overhaul’. I hate the whole ‘tackling the big goals only to fall flat on your face’ scenario more than the next women. When I get into the tackle phase, I start out all pumped up like a weight lifter on steroids.  I go full throttle towards my goals. By the third week, my enthusiasm fizzles out until it becomes as flat as soda. The story of my life, really.

But this time around, I’m certainly going to give it a good shot. The big-time dreams that I have clouding my vision, they can only come true if I nail these basics first. I know what I want to be, and I know how I want to live my life. Overcoming these first hurdles is going to be a stepping stone in helping me get there

I’ll keep ya’ll up to date with my progress, the ups, the downs and the in-betweens.  I’m not fooling myself.  I know its going to be hard.  If you’re making an effort to change habits that have been with you for life, you may as well go and climb Mt Everest.  But even Mt Everest can be conquered.  And if climbing to the top of that mountain can be done, I don’t see why this can’t be.

Wish me luck all.  And a big, fat, hearty GOOD LUCK to all the women out there who are taking full control.




No smokes = No sanity

Oh my bloody god…and fuck. It’s only been approximately ten hours since I banished cigarettes, and I’ve never felt so murderous in my life.

Well actually, that is a lie. The last time I felt this way was last week, when I attempted, for the one hundred and tenth time, to cut out this god-awful habit that has blighted my life for as long as I can remember. In actual fact, I guess I should have expected it. No matter how greatly determined I am when the moment strikes, it’s when that moment passes me by that counts. The moment when nicotine levels in my system are dangerously low. Without nicotine in me, I feel disorientated, grumpy, shut-off and emotional – all rolled up in one giant colossal ball.

This was never going to be a easy one. This one is going to be hard. With a big, fat, capital H!

I remember the first time I took up with the ciggies. God rue that day. Our college English class were on a writer’s camp somewhere up the coast. This event stands alone as the one and only time I went against my ‘I don’t give a shit if I have no friends’ stance, in order to fit in. I’d bought a packet of Holiday Menthol tailor mades. I would go behind the building and secretly puff away on a cigarette, trying to give off the impression that I had to have one, I just had to, as all ‘smokers’ do, because, you know, we’re ‘addicted.’ Prior to that, I hadn’t even touched one. In fact, I would lecture my school colleagues, and submit them to an interrogation as to why they smoked, as if I were a lawyer. Like the snob I was. Or more like, pretended to be.

The tables were turned on writer’s camp. The cool chick of the group submitted me to the interrogation, in front of her cool friends. Now I knew what it felt like being looked down upon, even if it was under false pretenses. I should have done my research on her. She was part of S.A.D.D and ran for head girl the following year.

As for me, I smoked all those smokes. On that writer’s camp. Behind the building. By myself. When I returned home, I acquired two things – the fattest headache, and the urge to keep smoking. The following year I turned eighteen, signed up for the dole, and began funding my smoking habit on a regular basis. The rest, as they say is history.

Nicotine. Man, whoever invented that shit needs to be shot. If the statistics are true, nicotine is even more addictive than all the hard drugs out there put together. P, Heroin, Ecstasy and blah blah. Once it’s got you, it’s got you good. To get rid of its grip is like trying to pry a gi-normous leech off your leg. It’s no easy feat. And millions of people around the world can attest to that fact.

And then there’s the millions that don’t live to tell the tale. Like my Dad. And my sister, Julie. I’m not a hundred percent certain that smoking was the prime cause of their deaths. Cancer can be caused by any one thing, and not just by smoking. Although I do believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is definitely a main contributor.

You’d think all these facts would scare us off the smokes….but noooo. Not even ugly pictures plastered on tobacco packets, and putting the costs of smokes through the roof, can stop people from lighting up. Half the time, you’re sitting there, staring at the gangrenous foot on your Winfield packet, and nothing inside you twinges. Useless. That’s what the government is. Fucking useless. All tobacco companies need to be BURNED DOWN TO THE GROUND, never to be resurrected again.

“All tobacco companies need to be burned down to the ground, never to be resurrected again…”

But then again, I am just as useless. Or I am? They say giving up is a matter of mind power. If you really want to do it, you will. And you can. And yes, there are some that can do it, and I bow down to you all. But that doesn’t take away the fact that it’s still bullshit. Because the option shouldn’t even be there in the first place. It’s like making guns legal, then blaming it all on that guy who, one day, just decided to go and shoot up a cinema because he didn’t like the fact that Anne Hathaway was playing Catwoman. That was just speculation, by the way. The point being, he was given that option. Guns kill. And so do cigarettes. Neither one should be legal.

Right-o. Better go get some fresh air. Chuck my baby in her pram and power walk off this aggression all the way down Morrison road and back. My poor bubs. And my poor man. I feel for them, because they are the ones that are going to be bearing the brunt of my nicotine-less moods. Good Lord in Heaven, be a sport, and help them out.