the ‘lifestyle overhaul challenge’ update

BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE!!  CONTAINS IMAGES THAT MAY HARM EYES, AND SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT PHRASES THAT MAY CAUSE IRRITATION…(especially if you know me, as I am continuously using these phrases…and mostly never stick to them.)

I had a plan of glorifying this first ‘lifestyle overhaul’ challenge update.  I have at least four ‘lifestyle overhaul’ drafts, each of which is approximately three to four pages long.  But I have decided that, after weeks of horrendous brain storming and editing, documenting every little inch of my progress – or lack of – is something that is going to achieve nothing short of detracting from the true purpose of this post.  In other words, I have bad habit of doodling off course when writing, to the point where even I didn’t know what I was on about in the first place.

So I am just going to keep this as basic and concise as I possibly can.

At the moment, I am skulling back some lovely Barcadi and Cola cans.  They are going down a treat after an entire week of listening to Mariah Carey (aka my baby) in all her Terrible Two glory.  I have just sat down again after puffing away on a cigarette.  And we had fish and chips for tea, and yes, I had some.  The whole point being that it would seem hypocritical of me to post a three-page long update about achieving my small time goals when I am still very much behind the start line.  Well, sort of.

ANYWAY…MOVING ON.  Want to hear how I’ve been doing on this LifeStyle Overhaul Challenge?  Probably not…but here goes anyway.  Follow it if you can.

“…I want to be smokefree because it will restore my beautiful skin and white teeth (hopefully).  I want to be as SUPER HOT as Kim Kardashian before she had her baby.  And I want to fit into this tiny black dress, and be in a bikini by November so I can get ogled at by dozens of men.”

* A little bit much, I know.  I reckon all woman want to be hot like Kim Kardashian and swan around on a beach in a bikini while being ogled at by dozens of men – it’s just something you don’t say out loud. Quotes and philosophy and mumbo jumbo about ‘finding your inner beauty’ has never worked for me, so maybe this will.  I know I am beautiful on the inside, but I wanna be beautiful on the outside too.  And since when was that such a crime?

* Exercise regime starts on Monday.  Yoga every mornings, light walking most evenings, and weights three times a week.

* Have begun The Celebrity Slim Program.  Well, sort of.  Today doesn’t count, as it is Friday, and I got my Centrelink payment, so buying unhealthy and greasy fish and chips for tea was something I felt obligated to do after a whole week of cooking tragically shitty dinners for my men (sorry boys).  As for the beers?  It’s been two weeks since I last had one, and it is only a six pack.

* The Celebrity Srim works like this – One shake for brekky, one shake for lunch, and ‘anything you want for dinner’ – anything meaning not exactly anything.  Should have just said meat and vegetables because, when I look at the dinner options on the container, that’s all I can see.

* It is only the kick start phase by the way, so ‘you shouldn’t starve yourself, that’s bad’ innuendo’s not needed thank you.

This is me, now.  Edited of course, but how tragic will that be if I chucked up the reality?

Ok, ok.  I’m gonna bite the bullet and put up the reality.  You gotta admit, though.  I’m good at creating an illusion.


This is probably the GAMEST thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.  But still…arrrgh.

And this is me, in November 2013, sometime before Christmas…minus the big boobs and voluptuous hips, of course.  I can’t push for too much.

As I said before – philosophy has never worked for me, I am simply using my imagination here.  And also…DON’T JUDGE!

“I want to be smokefree.”

* I believe I put up a post – on Tuesday I think – moaning up a storm because of the lack of nicotine in my system.  I gave up on Monday.  On Tuesday night, I broke, went out and brought me a packet of JPS, and am now back at square one.

* Must try and beat the craving.  Have this little routine going on where I give up, break about twenty four hours later, buy a packet, then tell myself I’m going to give up ‘after this packet.  Fuck, it is so annoying.

* I don’t think there is anything I can do or say to myself which is going to help me in the least with ditching the smokes.  If my dad and my sister died from cancer, and that still didn’t scare me off the smokes, I don’t know what will.

* Must still try though.  Sheer will power is key.  I did it once before and I can do it again.  I’ll just wait until this packet runs out.  Then I’ll give up!!

If I keep doing this…

I am going to end up with teeth like this


Or WORSE…I could end up like this…


Jesus Christ…freaked myself out on that one.

“I want to be debt free and filthy rich in approximately THREE YEARS TIME!!  (Unless I win the Lotto before that.)”


* Have not fed this Progressive Saver since I left Newman, three months ago.

* Must set up an automatic payment and have something going out every week, even if it is just five dollars.

* Am constantly dodging letters from Inland Revenue from back home, regarding my Student Loan, which amounts to $10,000.  Just looking at that figure makes me break out in a sweat.  Should visualize it as ‘being in credit.’  It won’t be true, but at least imagining that it is takes away some of the panic.

* Then there is my BNZ LOAN, which is only $380.00 really, but probably more now, thanks to missed payment fees.

* And last of all, my audiologist bill.  Last time I rang them, they put me on hold for half an hour – and then I ran out of credit.  So I tried.  I really did.

* NOT HARD ENOUGH GIRL!  So the action I need to take here is set up a monthly Automatic Payment and delegate a certain amount to each bill.  Fucking hell, even if it’s just twenty dollars for each one, per month, that’s better than nothing.  The cunt’s will stop complaining, and I won’t have to worry when it comes to going in and out of the country when I go home for holidays.

* Must stop being lazy here and get on top of it!!

* Must continue using Visualization Method’s to bring money to me!  When it pops up, I will know (talking money-making opportunities here.)

* OH…and also, must learn to walk straight past IGA when taking baby on walks, as that is why I end up spending money on useless and inane things when I could be putting it into my Piggy Bank.  Which reminds me….MUST GET A PIGGY BANK FROM KMART!!!

“I want to be completely at peace with everything around me.”

* Breathe.  Let things go.  In one ear, out the other.  And maybe meditate?

* Join local groups of like-minded people.  A writer’s group?  A reading group?  A save the fucking animal group?  Something.  Must try harder to surround myself with people who are brimming with positivity!

* At the same time, must learn to accept people as they are, and make a mighty effort to STOP BEING SO GOD-DAMN HEADSTRONG AND STUBBORN.  This is what causes conflict.  And conflict on the outside is NOT worth the consequences and conflict that results on the inside.  WISE UP, WOMAN!

* And also, a light at the end of the tunnel or what, ever since I have taken up with my writing again I feel I am finally doing what I was put on this earth to do.  Even if no-one reads my writing, or assumes that I am talking a whole lot of incoherent crap, which I probably am most of the time.  At least I am happy doing it.  More than happy actually, I love, love, love it!  This helps in terms of being at peace, I guess, so it’s not all thumbs down and cons.  I am doing something I’ve wanted to do since I was a chubby little pre-teen.  So that’s one DING-DING-DING for me!  Well done!

* So keep up with the writing.  If having one of them grey days, even when outside is sunny, turn laptop on, navigate to blog, and let it all out as if no-one is going to read it.  Beats counsellor’s and psychiatrists any old day, even if I am going to come across as mad (so what else is new.)


I think I deserve a 3.  I’m really not trying hard enough, so even a three is pushing it.  Need vast improvement in ALL AREAS, and need to ditch the excuses – or at least find or make up a new excuse as the current one’s are so old dinosaurs could have used them on each other.

To be fair, though, it is only the start.  See what happenes in two weeks from now.  Must live and breathe this lifestyle as if my life depends on it.  Which it does.

Simply put, it is ‘HEALTHY, POSITIVE LIVING.’  Sounds so corny, but I want it soooo badly.  And I will get it.  I will!  Maybe not next week, or the week after.  Or even the week after that.  But in time.  All in good time.

See ya’ll in two weeks! I am soooo gonna do this.



P.S I wrote this on Friday, but only had the nerve to publish it now.  Just so everyone knows that I do have SOME sense of reality, and didn’t assume it was Friday today.  Thought I’d better point that out.  PEACE!